The Apartment

If you’re friends with me on Facebook or follow me on Twitter, then you already now that I cannot sleep tonight, so I have come to the blog.

I’m not sure where to start tonight to be honest, but let’s dive in anyways. I do my best thinking at night, well I guess technically early morning, but that’s not important. In the wee hours of the morning when I cannot sleep I think about everything. I think about my friends, family, what I will get my sister for her birthday, my roommates, my classes, God, and that’s just a few I’ve come across so far, but these thoughts I will not be sharing, well that’s not the goal, lets see where it goes.

I will however introduce and give you a walkthrough of the apartment. Sidenote: as I said that I realized we (the roommates) should come up with a good name for it…anyways, continuing onward. We are on the second floor of the building, that is directly right of the entrance as you make your way into our side of the complex. As you walk in the door, if you take an immediate left you will be in Josh’s room, the mysterious roommate, who we now know is very cool, from Houston. Not gonna spend a lot of time talking about him, but basically he is hilarious and just like us, we enjoy chilling with him, and got very lucky to have gotten him as a roommate. Anyways, I am directly right upon entry. There is not much in my room, but you know where it is.

Straight ahead from the door is the open area with the living room, kitchen, and dining room table. Behind the dining room table is a small closet with our washer and dryer in it. Hanging on the door, is a nerf basketball net, this maybe the best addition to the apartment that we have made so far. Then to the right is the kitchen. A girl may have a lot to tell here, but it’s a kitchen with all the normal kitchen stuff you need, aaaand that’s about it. Across from said kitchen is the living room. In the living room we have set up two tv’s. Best part of this is, if the Rangers and Cowboys are on at the same time, we can watch both. We can also watch a game and play the PS3, or play the PS3 and the XBOX360 simultaneously or even two 360’s simultaneously. It’s pure genius. If you go through the living room it leads to our balcony, which I love. Having a balcony is awesome. We specifically picked the second floor to have a raised balcony with as few flights of stairs as possible. Once again, genius. It’s still hot now, but in towards the end of September and through November, that will be amazing. By the way I have a window that overlooks the parking lot, and at this moment either, someone’s car won’t start, or someone is being towed. Betting on towed. Anyways, newest and another great addition is the red light we replaced in our balcony light. It’s legit! Stephen and Eric’s rooms are beyond the living room, but that’s pretty much it. It’s a great apartment and I love it.

I love that I can do my own small renovations (red light on balcony, two tv’s in living room, nerf goal, with more epic things to come). It’s exciting to be living with three other guys and kind of figuring out life together. I am enjoying the process immensely and enjoying school for one of the first times in a long time as well. As far as school goes, I will spend this semester figuring out if PR is what I want to do. I am finding out that it’s going to take a lot of work, but hopefully it is work that I want to do, unlike school work has ever really been for me. I am excited for this semester. I am excited to see where it will take me.

“I love this game”

I am a huge baseball fan. And tonight’s Rangers game represents the reason I am.

First, I love the atmosphere. There is nothing better than a good game in some good old fashioned Texas heat. I don’t particularly love the heat, but there is something about it that fits perfectly with baseball. I love that I get to go with people I care about. Tonight, it was with a best friend, who also truly enjoys baseball. The game started slow, painfully slow to be honest, even for a baseball fan. But, you couldn’t help but feel that something big was going to happen. As the game dragged along, our team went from tying to losing, and we stumbled into the last third of the game behind. However, the great thing about baseball is also, the thing that separates it from the rest of sports.

That thing is that there is no time limit. There is no chance for you to run out of time. You run out of outs. There is not fighting the clock. You get 27 outs no matter what, unless you only need 24 to beat the visiting team at home. And if your tied there are no special rules for overtime. You just keep going and going and going and going until, there is a winner. Position players may end up pitching and there is something in its self beautiful about that. Giving it all for your team in a position you know very little about, and that you probably have not played since high school. It’s not like football where if there is 6 minutes left and your teams down by 21 points, your most likely done. In baseball you can go into the ninth down by 10 and have all the time you need to either lose by your own accord or win by your own accord. That brings a sense of it’s truly never over till it’s over.

Tonight our team went into the 7^th down by 3, We scored two in the 7^th inning and went in to the 9^th down by 1. And with a calm and collect sense about them, my team went to work. It started with a seemingly harmless walk to the leadoff batter (if your not a baseball fan, walks, much less leadoff walks are never harmless, they will always comeback to haunt you). Then a perfect bunt down the first base line put runners on first and second with no outs. The second play of the inning was beautiful. A sacrifice bunt, sacrificing yourself for the good of the team. Except this sacrifice bunt was perfect, and the batter was safe at first. Outstanding play. Then a sharp single to left field scored the runner from second for a walk off win. The greatest and most exciting way to win in baseball. A come from behind win at home.

Previously in the game my friend and I had commented on the slow pace of the game that had almost made the game boring. Going in to the ninth she turned to me and said, “I love this game” with the excitement of a little kid on Christmas. Those words I don’t forget. It’s amazing how a game can bring us such excitement. Your team can kick you in the gut one moment, then get you to come running back with hope that they’re going to pull through for them the next. This is why I love baseball. There is always a chance, and there is always hope until the very end. That’s what separates it from the rest. That’s what makes it different.

Lonely Doubts

Have you ever felt like you’re the only one asking questions? Or, more specifically, the only one asking that that one specific question that your asking? The one question that is bugging you most and no one else is even close to wondering it.

I’ve felt like that for 7 or so months, until this weekend. I was under the impression that I was the only one who was questioning and doubting. Doubting the existence or realness of something many people have a longing to feel. A connection, not just a connection with people, but a connection with God. I was questioning what it meant to experience God. I was not questioning his existence at all. But, I was questioning whether when I thought I felt him, if I actually felt him, or if I just really wanted too? And if I did just really want to, then, was I becoming blinded with emotion so much so that I depicted, in my twisted mind, that emotion as experiencing God? I was wondering if the times I had experienced God were real, and if they were real, then what made me experience Him in that specific moment.

This question scared the hell out of me. Were my emotions lying to me? Could I really trick myself into feeling the creator of the universe? Could I ever truly experience my God?

This weekend I discovered I was not the only one. I had not discussed this idea with anyone, because everyone else was thinking about it differently. Most everyone I discussed experiencing God with, was more frustrated that they were not experiencing God as often as everyone else was. But, me? I was questioning the actual existence of the experience all together. How do you ask that question to someone? I had no idea.

Until a good friend brought it to my attention. This friend is a middle school pastor at my old church. I respect his opinion greatly and was in utter shock when on the way home from a Rangers game he asked me the exact question I was asking my self. I was extremely excited. Someone else had my question, and not only someone else, but someone who I trusted their opinion. See, this is not the type of question many Christians ask. They seek for the experience, but do not question its legitimacy. Although he was, just as I.

He was teaching at that church the next morning and I had already planned to go hear him and support him, but when he told me this was what he was discussing, I had to be there. I had to know what he thought, and more importantly what his conclusion was in comparison to what I thought mine, kind of, maybe, almost was. His name is Charlie Ridenour and he presented it in a brilliant way. The church is Crossroads Bible Church and I recommend getting the podcast if you were not there. It is on iTunes and he explains it brilliantly, in a way I would of never been able to, and he is not done. It has a second part next Sunday. If nothing I’m saying makes sense to you or your interested be there or get the podcast. I am excited to hear what he says next week and want to discuss it with him, or anyone else who wants to discuss it further.

This is the way I like to pursue God. In conversation, deep, real conversation that leads to deep, real thought. This has also lead to something else for me. It has given me a drive to want to read my Bible. Up until now, and this may sound stupid, but I’ve never known how to or what to get out of reading the Bible. I’ve just never understood it, but now, it makes sense. The Bible tells me who God is, and lets me get to know him! Something I definitely knew, but never understood, now I feel like I do. So, now I begin a quest of sorts, to dive in and get to know my God. To find out everything I can about his character and who He is. It will be never ending, but I am excited. I am driven. I want to know Him.

The Best Laid Plans…

Tonight I had a great dinner with some great people. So, to start I say thank you to the preparers of the meal and the others that, with me, enjoyed the meal and great conversation. After the dinner I went to chill with one of my soon to be roommates, Stephen Drew. For those of you who don’t already know what is going on in my life, I am moving out in 15 days (it’s after midnight, so it is technically fifteen). I am moving in with Stephen, a guy named Eric Sommerhauser, and another guy named Josh Merryman. This fourth guy Josh is new. I do not know him at all, other than a short text conversation we shared a few days ago. The original plan was for Stephen, Eric, and I to move into a four bedroom apartment with a locked room, and life was grand in our little minds.

That all changed a few days ago with a text from Josh. I have to admit, at first, I was not very happy with this change of events at all, but now that I have gotten past the, “All my biggest plans were ruined” stage of everything I am a bit excited. I am the type of person that believes things do not happen by accident. Every person is here for a purpose, the goal is just figuring out that purpose. So, what is the purpose of the situation I have had set before me? Well, I am not sure yet, but Stephen and I did some pondering on that tonight.

If we both believe things do not happen by accident, then there has to be a purpose, considering we both love God, He immediately became the focus of our thought process. Who is Josh Merryman? We do not really know yet, but we do know that we are placed here to serve him, just as we are called to serve everyone. From our standpoint, if he loves God as well, then we have been blessed with another godly man to grow in Christ with. If he does not, then we have been blessed with the opportunity to share God’s love. After discussing this in depth with Stephen there was no other emotion to feel other than excitement in getting to meet this new roommate, whatever his story is. God has given us a situation, an opportunity.

Before us now is laid an opportunity to show God’s love to someone we have never met, and I am excited for the opportunity and the challenges it will bring. I am done worrying about my plan that has been absolutely ruined, because it hasn’t, it’s only been altered. In fact, it’s not even really my plan, its God’s plan, and I have merely been placed here to praise and glorify Him, whatever that looks like. So, that’s the mindset I’m now going in with. As I get to know Josh I’ll let you know how God’s using me in this opportunity.

“My Racing Thoughts”

Tonight, I finished reading a book titled, The Bullpen Gospels, by Dirk Hayhurst, for a second time. It is an outstanding book. I remember the night I first picked it up at Walmart. I did not go looking for a book. I do not remember what I went looking for, but it certainly wasn’t a book. As I walked in I noticed a book on the bestsellers rack. I noticed two things: it had a baseball on the cover and it said gospels on the front. I did not know what the book was about, but for some reason it caught my interest. And more than just any book about baseball catches my interest. For some reason I felt compelled to read this book.

Like I said I’ve read it twice now, and both times it has been magnificent. However, it was not what I expected. I expected a book about the minor leagues and a feel good story about a guy who never gave up on his dreams and made it to The Show, and in a certain sense it kind of was, but it also very much was not at the same time. It spoke from the stand point of a man who found his identity in what he did. He was a baseball player, a professional baseball player. That was his identity.

This time around, however, the book got me thinking. Well, actually, Dirk himself got me thinking (I’ve been reading his blog and follow him on twitter as well). He got me thinking about life in general. About where we as people actually get out identity from. I for one do not claim to know what I find my identity in all of the time. I want to find it in God on a daily basis, but I’m not going to sit here and say that everyday it is found in God. If I think about it, it is probably found in God, my friends, the idea of getting somewhere in life, etc. all at different times. It is something I do not think about, and that’s kind of the scary part.

My sister just got back from Ireland a week or so ago. She spent two weeks there, where I think she learned more about herself and God then she ever thought she could in two weeks time. She sent an email to me and my parents on one of her last days there discussing this a bit. She discussed how she had tried to find herself in sports or friends or whatever it is and on this trip she discovered an identity in God and probably also came back with more questions than answers. When I read this email I realized how much pressure everyone is under, and how much it affects us on a day to day basis. We feel pressure to be this or that and we are so focused on being this or that, that we lose focus on this important things in life. We lose focus of God’s plan. We lose focus of the fact that our plan that sounds perfect to us in our shallow minded view of the world, is not necessarily what God wants for us.

So, this is where I am at. I’m only beginning to think on this. It’s a slow and long process, but I’m hoping that this is finally a good spark to get me to begin writing more. This has helped me clear my head, which is kind of in sorts right now. The idea of me moving out is becoming a very real thing and I’m excited and ready, but I’m also nervous. I’m about to start the next semester of college, but this semester it will actually be about things I truly am interested in. I am beginning to find a deep interest in reading, which is leading to questions, which hopefully leads to writing. My next read is going to be, Blue Like Jazz, by Donald Miller. From what I have heard, I know this read will lead to many questions and hopefully more writing. Also, not necessarily next on the blog, but soon will be a post on my sister, so stay tuned. Also I highly recommend reading The Bullpen Gospels if you are interested in books about baseball or life. It can be very crude, but is definitely worth a read. Also if you’re on twitter I recommend you follow Dirk Hayhurst, twitter handle @thegarfoose. He is definitely worth a follow.

Title inspired by the new single by Jack’s Mannequin. The title just happens to fit absolutely perfectly for my state of mind and this post.

Trust

Trust is something that is very difficult for me as a person.  Ask my friends. They will tell you. I do not talk about my self very often at all. I would rather talk about the other person I am talking to. Because its easier that way. If I reflect the conversation back on them, then I get to know them, and most importantly they don’t really get to know me. People do know me.  Just not many people really know me. I’m very good at talking about music, sports, movies, tv, name any category I can talk about it. With no problem at all.  But if you ask me to talk about me, and really me, its hard. I don’t want to tell you because then I have to trust you.  That in and of itself is not fun. Then I’m vulnerable.

I have tried to get better about it, trusting other people, its hard, but there are now more people who are truly getting to know me on that deep level. We get passed that shallow “hey how are you?” very quickly. We talk about my life, my struggles, my faith, and deep, deep things.  These people challenge me and have helped me grow in my relationship with God greatly.

Trusting them has made me realize how much I have to trust God.  God I trust. I never realized that I did, but I do.  I think thats why I am so laid back. I trust God to take care of me, to show me what he wants for me, to love me and protect me.  And he does. God is faithful. I had always heard those words, but never knew what they meant in a real life application kind of way.  Now I do. They mean that when I ask God for something he will provide it. Even if it is not in my time frame.

Four months ago I was planning to move to Denton, with three good friends of mine. They are all girls and I was not moving in with them, so I needed to find some roommates. I knew absolutely zero guys that were living around here that I could move in with, but then this guy came to Pine Cove, amidst a very hard time in his life. He joined our group on a work weekend and he told us what he was going through and how despite it he loved God and was seeing God’s faithfulness more and more everyday.  He is going to be my roommate. Without searching God handed me not only a nice guy, but a Godly man, who deeply and passionately loves God. God is faithful.

Then two months later God was faithful again.  The two of us were not really searching for a roommate even though we needed one and God showed us who would be our third. This was already a good friend who had gone away for college. He went through a hard time also and was considering moving back to this area. After figuring a lot of things out he has moved back and is moving in with us as well. God provided for me another Godly man, who also deeply and passionately loves God. God is faithful.

I needed roommates and God provided. I knew God provided for us in these ways, but never really attributed it to him in a serious sense until now.  This weekend I experienced God’s faithfulness in a whole new way. Last week I was frustrated with everything, which towards the end of the week turned to anger with everything as well. I had already signed up to help with the Real Teens Bible Conference at our church and was committed. I was angry and the last thing I wanted to do was deal with a bunch of middle schoolers running around and screaming, until that night when we had our leader meeting. The groups leader had us pray in groups with our co-leader for the weekend. As we prayed I just asked God to take this frustration and anger away and to find a way to love those kids I was going to serve.  As the kids arrived my frustrations were relieved and I loved the kids in my group. They were great and had an extreme love for God. God literally changed my heart.  I had heard of this happening, but had never experienced it first hand, and God gave me an amazing weekend with those kids. I built relationships with those kids and saw God’s faithfulness. He is faithful. He does love us.

“He is jealous for me,

Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,

Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy.

When all of a sudden,

I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,

And I realize, just how beautiful You are,

And how great Your affections are for me.

 

Oh, how He loves us, Oh

Oh, how He loves us,

How He loves us all”

-David Crowder Band “He Loves Us”

I love this song. It reminds me when I forget, how much God loves me, and us, and everyone. Not just my friends, or my family, or christians, but everyone and it amazes me.  God is faithful. God loves us.

This is what is going on in  my life. Seeing God’s faithfulness in a real sense and understanding it for the first time. I am growing so much and my friends are helping me. We are truly experiencing life together and helping each other grow. I love it. And I love you. Thank you to those friends who are challenging me in my faith and challenging me to grow. It’s what I need.

 

Back to writing.

So I’m back to writing again on the blog.  I do not know if I am truly allowed to say “again” as I only made two posts. That’s not much of a beginning if you ask me, but I am back.  This time however I am holding myself to a goal that I would like to actually keep. It’s not going to be too lofty to start with, but I am determined to blog at least once every two weeks about anything.

When I started the blog I felt as though I had nothing to write about. However, I think I have discovered that, that is in fact not true.  I was focused on writing a great article or a great piece, but thats not what this is about.  This is about expressing myself through writing, whether it be about something meaningful, just my average day, or whatever it is. I put pressure on myself to write extremely well and was not just writing. So, I will write once every two weeks. I feel as though I do have some things to say whatever they may be and this is where I will put them.

The inspiration to begin writing again comes from my baby sister Macy who has recently started a blog (that is linked on here) and might I say is an amazing writer.  She inspired me to start again and hopefully it goes well. It can be an adventure we can take together maybe.  Well this is officially post number 1. of 2011, even if it did not truly discuss much its on here. And I will post again in two weeks or sooner. I promise.